Dear Kathy,
We visited our daughter this weekend. We are older parents, so our daughter is 40 years younger than we are. That’s a time for a lot of cultural change! Her generation, and her choice of peers, are tattooed, pierced, re-gendered, creative, industrious in ways we wouldn’t have imagined, and to our minds and eyes, very unconventional. We are very proud of who she has become as a adult, and still trying to “grok” it.
We have had a rough patch with her for a couple of years, where I would say we were low contact. It’s been hard to understand why (I know this isn’t unusual). We took the path of being more accepting than anything. We do our best to bear the distance and generational differences. I am not trying to say we are great at it. Since she stopped coming to see us, we go to see her.
As I ride the plane back to our home, the home where she grew up, I wonder how much the generational differences contribute to estrangement.
Do you have any thoughts on that?
Loving, Missing, Missing, and More than a Bit Lost,
_______________
Dear Loving, Missing and Lost,
The generational divide can be huge, depending on how far your child may want to go into their generational culture. (And is it a counterculture just like ours was?) I think that marking your body with significant tattoos, altering your body and gender, finding unconventional ways to support yourself—these are all expressions of wanting something different than what our children saw us do. And I know I felt this way too when I was in my twenties and early thirties. There are articles on why Gen X and Z are expressing their lives in these ways, but they say less about your question—does this much difference in life style make it hard to remain connected? I think the answer is yes.
We know that it is taking longer to grow up than previously—so much so that the twenties are now widely considered the new teens. Assuming your child has normal developmental needs for separation and individuation, we are looking at a somewhat newly recognized phase known as “emerging adulthood” (ages 18 to 29), coined by psychologist Jeffrey Arnett. Driven by profound economic, technological, and cultural shifts, this extended period has delayed traditional milestones like marriage and stable careers.
Rather than a “failure to launch,” this phase functions as a psychological bridge—a high-stakes laboratory for intensive identity exploration in love and work. During this decade, young adults are slowly tackling Arnett’s “Big Three” developmental steps: accepting responsibility for oneself, making independent decisions, and ultimately becoming financially independent.
In addition to extended years of development and individuation, these generations were much younger, and in more formative years, than parents were during the pandemic. I have heard one Gen Z say that before Covid she wanted to have a child. During Covid, and seemingly since, she found it was difficult to even take care of herself. Period. Let alone a child.
When you were younger you felt you could have a child, even though it may have been challenging (you don’t say). See if you can imagine life being SO challenging that taking care of yourself—earning a living, taking care of your body, making friends and romantic partners—was overwhelming. That you couldn’t imagine you could care for a child, even if you still wanted to. To me, that means that life got harder. And I believe it did.
So, is it possible that your adult child has gone low contact for many reasons, some of them generational? That her generation is so distant from yours, and she has such a profound need to identify with it, that she has needed space?
And what about you? What’s it been like to make space for how different she is from you (I am imagining)? Have you had reactions you regretted? Has it been difficult that your daughter has marked and/or pierced or modified her body? And whether or not she said anything, could she know this? Could the piercing and tattooing have been part of her separation/individuation that was hard for you to accept? (And was that possibly part of the point?)
If any of this rings true for you, here are some possibly helpful ideas:
Accept and care for your grief: Loving a child who needs low contact asks a lot of you. It requires grieving the relationship you thought you’d have in this season so you can make room for the one you actually have, holding them in your heart and mind even from a distance.
Ask yourself what you wish you had done differently as a young adult. Even if you are glad you made the choices you did, you may have had some other wishes and desires along the way. Do you look back and wish you had done anything more radical?
Try the thought experiment of imagining getting a tattoo or a new, less conventional pierce. I don’t mean you need to go out and do it—I mean just try to imagine it. What comes to mind? Notice your thoughts and see if it helps you understand what your child may be trying to express within themselves, and possibly to you.
Consider why your child needed to move away. Was the physical difference a need to claim herself for herself? Could that have been a challenge that required some miles between you? Does she hang out with a like-minded group of people? And does that seem to help her “adult” (to use a phrase we know from her generation)? Does the distance from you help her feel more separate and freer to claim her own self-expression, her own life? And can you feel proud when you see how she has grown and the young adult she has become?
Does she, in fact, express your values, just in a slightly different mode? Is she working hard, which you taught her to do, is she using her creativity, her intelligence, her personality, just as you hoped she would? Is it just different enough from what you expected that it takes you a minute to recognize how she is, in fact, reflecting your values back to you, just in a package that takes a moment to recognize?
So, I am suggesting you take a step back, look at her as independently as is possible for a parent who held their child’s hand when they were learning to walk (not always easy!). Would anyone who was not her parent be impressed with who she has become? See if you can adopt that mindset, use those lenses, and appreciate the adult she is inventing herself to be.
I support your success in connecting with your child. And for loving them as they are, admiring who they are becoming, and remaining in a loving relationship.
Best,
Kathy
Please reach out to me in the Chat, Comments Section or at ksinsheimermft@gmail.com
This is column #59
Excellent article! Lots of food for thought. I am also a parent who has a low-contact relationship with an adult child. Thanks!
I think you're seeing the generational divide as more benign than it truly is. The fact that young people are taking longer to grow up, leave home and take on adult responsibilities is not so much a product of adult life becoming harder, but of outside forces interfering in family life and normal social development. I'm referring to the internet and all that comes with it, particularly social media and remote "communities" that affirm whatever identity a young person adopts, and they tend to choose identities that make them stand out and gain social status with their peers. The piercings and tattoos, purple hair and gender fluidity? It's all part of the online world they live in where it's not cool to be a "cis het" or otherwise "normal" person. They can gain status by being trans, by having a mental health diagnosis, and even by estranging themselves from "abusive" parents. Being a victim brings a higher status. And they have applied victim status to their entire generation, which they believe has been set up to fail by the previous generation. None of this is healthy. None of it helps them grow up or reach their potential.