Renaming: Can it Help?

An adult child calls her parents by their given names and considers changing her own

Dear Kathy,

I have been wanting to change my name to try to reclaim myself. I have already done this with my parents—I call them by their given names instead of Mom and Dad. It reminds me that besides being my parents, they are ordinary people, too. But that still leaves me with the feeling that I am not my own person. I’ve continued to use the name my parents gave me, but I am thinking of trying a new name. Would that help me feel more like I could reclaim myself?

—Wondering about My Name

Dear Wondering,

You ask a deep and important question: How do I claim who I am for myself? You have taken an intentional step by shifting what you call your parents. Dropping the titles “Mom” and “Dad” in favor of their given names can create a notable psychological shift. For many adult children, this isn’t done out of cruelty, but out of a desire for emotional distance. It can symbolically remove the weight of your parents authority, helping you see them not through the lens of your childhood dependency, but as separate, complex individuals who have their own histories and struggles.

But as you’ve discovered, changing what you call your parents only goes partway. It creates space, but it doesn’t necessarily fill that space with the clarity you are seeking. As you look to shed the identity you developed growing up in your home, you are wondering if changing your given name would help with that process.

Names Hold Meaning and History

Names can carry a multiplicity of meanings. Long before a child arrives, parents dream, hope, reflect upon their ancestries, and respond to internal wishes as they choose baby names. They might name a baby for an important ancestor to anchor them to a lineage, or choose a name like Roberta to connect them to a father. Sometimes a name reflects a family’s lack of preparation or a sudden surprise—like a hurried nickname when they were expecting a boy and gave birth to a girl.

Naming raises the fundamental question: How do we come to know who we are in the first place?

Psychological theories suggest that identity is initially built through how others respond to us. In early childhood, we develop what sociologist Charles Cooley called the “looking-glass self”—we learn who we are through the reflections, reactions, and expectations of our primary caregivers. If they look at us and see someone able, fragile, or responsible, we see that reflection as who we are. As we grow, we become more aware of own views and perceptions of who we are—an important step toward individuation.

In mid-late adolescence, we enter what psychologist Erik Erikson called the “Identity vs. Role Confusion” phase of development. In this stage, our central task is to more completely separate from our family narrative and form an independent sense of ourselves. Finding our adult identity requires us to turn our gaze away from the family mirror to determine which parts of us were accurately reflected, and which parts we need to re-claim for ourselves.

Does My Name = Me?

Because we are called our name multiple times daily as we grow, our given name inevitably becomes fused with who we are. Our family dynamics contribute heavily to the shaping of that identity. If you grew up feeling you needed to be the quiet one, the high-achiever, or the emotional caretaker, your birth name can become deeply intertwined with the roles you assumed.

Relationship expert Esther Perel speaks to the internal struggle between connection and autonomy—the lifelong dance of “How do I connect to you without losing me?” When an adult child experiences deep emotional suffering within the family system, they may feel the only way to develop a separate identity is to step away. This need not sever the connection, but will require adjustment from all family members.

Shedding or altering their given name is a way for some to claim their separate identity. Narrative Therapy speaks directly to this power of “re-authoring” our lives. Choosing a new name can serve as a declaration of your readiness to write a new chapter of your identity in your own words.

I think of a friend who spent her early life in the role of the cute, placating girl, and later, woman. In childhood, her natural charm was how she navigated her parents’ high-conflict relationship. As an adult, that role no longer served her; it kept her from expressing her own capacities, intelligence, and autonomy. As she worked to claim her own authority, she chose to change her name to one that felt more genuine to how she perceived herself and who she wanted to become. Her new name acted as a clear signal that she was transitioning into a life where she could be strong rather than accommodating.

Making Use of the Power of Names and Naming

If you are reflecting on your own relationship to your name, consider these practical steps and entry points:

• Notice your internal response: Do a scan of how you respond when you hear your name. What do you notice? Are you comfortable with what your name brings up, or does the resonance of your name bring wishes for change, not only in your past, but in your future?

• Explore the origin: Understand the history of your given name and consider if you wish to continue to identify with that origin or disconnect from it. Does your name currently feel like a gift, a burden, or both?

• Evaluate the relational impact: Consider the power of the name those closest to you call you. Are there aspects of those relationships that could change in a positive way if you alter the name you are called?

• Test it with loved ones: If you want to try a new name, start with a temporary change among a small circle of close, willing friends. See if the new name brings you the sense of fresh possibility you are hoping for. If it feels comfortable, you can gradually broaden the circle.

• Try reframing: If you don’t want to change your name, but you do want to change your association with it, look to Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön. She suggests that we often get hooked by the rigid narratives of our past pain, and advises learning to sit with the raw, unconditioned self underneath those labels. You can practice viewing your given name not as an anchor to childhood struggles, but simply as a word—one that you could redefine with your own adult meaning.

• Explore alternative tools: Remember that changing a name is only one path. Other powerful ways to shift your self-perception include psychotherapy, support groups, journaling, or taking up entirely new practices—such as meditation, new forms of movement (like yoga), joining communities aligned with your aspirations, or engaging in activities that feel more congruent with who you are becoming.

_________________________________

So, Dear Wondering,

Naming is clearly on your mind: both what you are called and what you call others. You are hoping to change your experience with others as well as your self-perception. There are many paths to achieving this, and changing your name is a powerful option you can try.

I support you in finding ways to experience yourself as you would like to become and being seen by others as you wish to be seen.

Best,

Kathy

P.S. If you want to practice moving through these stuck places together, I’m presenting a workshop on August 1 with Ann Dyer, the founder of Mountain Yoga. We’ll gather in Oakland and on Zoom for an afternoon of gentle yoga, journaling, and talking through how estrangement lives in the body. You can find more info and reserve your spot here: https://www.m-yoga.org/living-with-estrangement.html

Please reach out to me in the Comments Section or at ksinsheimermft@gmail.com

This is column #42