I can relate to much of what you say. I suspect your words will apply to many families. But there is a missing piece. Boundaries can be healthy and they can be weoponized. Much of current youth culture is in a cycle of angry retribution towards their parents. If the kids are in those circles, they use boundaries to lash out and purposely cause pain to parents because they know how much the holidays mean to that parent.
This may be true for many families, "In our current age of “cut-off,” a Thanksgiving away from you is their attempt to quiet that noise." And it might be worth mentioning that when our kids know us best, they also often know how to hurt us. So for some kids who wish to lash out and intentionally cause pain as "punishment" for not agreeing with their choices, ideologies and beliefs, the holidays may be a way for unhealthy retribution tactics to be inacted.
So parents in both situations of estrangement (one as a way to quiet the noise and one as a way to intentionally hurt the parent) still have to find a way to move on and make the best of the day despite the separation, loss and grief. In other words, the separation at the holidays may be for valid reasons and/or may be to inflict hurt. Perhaps we can ask questions to drill down into the motives for celebrating separately and get to the root of that decision. Once in that space of root cause, perhaps that is where the healing can begin that might bring families together in the future.
Thank you for your thoughts about how boundaries can be weaponized as well as healthy. I agree and have seen this both ways.
The goal of my column is to speak about the developmental needs of both children and parents, as well as other estranged individuals such as siblings and friends. In that frame, I am focusing on what may be happening for individuals who are currently estranged in order to protect themselves, after not finding a way to move forward together. In estranged families I meet, I typically find that communication has failed. That the generations have tried to communicate with each other, but have not been able to make themselves well enough understood. I do want to be clear that there is also anger in the mix as a contributor to this failure.
I will take your comment as a useful suggestion to me to explore the angry part of cut off in a future column!
You are so correct: “our kids know us best, they also often know how to hurt us.” And, they are inclined to use “unhealthy retribution tactics to be enacted” during the holidays.
I can relate to much of what you say. I suspect your words will apply to many families. But there is a missing piece. Boundaries can be healthy and they can be weoponized. Much of current youth culture is in a cycle of angry retribution towards their parents. If the kids are in those circles, they use boundaries to lash out and purposely cause pain to parents because they know how much the holidays mean to that parent.
This may be true for many families, "In our current age of “cut-off,” a Thanksgiving away from you is their attempt to quiet that noise." And it might be worth mentioning that when our kids know us best, they also often know how to hurt us. So for some kids who wish to lash out and intentionally cause pain as "punishment" for not agreeing with their choices, ideologies and beliefs, the holidays may be a way for unhealthy retribution tactics to be inacted.
So parents in both situations of estrangement (one as a way to quiet the noise and one as a way to intentionally hurt the parent) still have to find a way to move on and make the best of the day despite the separation, loss and grief. In other words, the separation at the holidays may be for valid reasons and/or may be to inflict hurt. Perhaps we can ask questions to drill down into the motives for celebrating separately and get to the root of that decision. Once in that space of root cause, perhaps that is where the healing can begin that might bring families together in the future.
Thank you for your thoughts about how boundaries can be weaponized as well as healthy. I agree and have seen this both ways.
The goal of my column is to speak about the developmental needs of both children and parents, as well as other estranged individuals such as siblings and friends. In that frame, I am focusing on what may be happening for individuals who are currently estranged in order to protect themselves, after not finding a way to move forward together. In estranged families I meet, I typically find that communication has failed. That the generations have tried to communicate with each other, but have not been able to make themselves well enough understood. I do want to be clear that there is also anger in the mix as a contributor to this failure.
I will take your comment as a useful suggestion to me to explore the angry part of cut off in a future column!
Thank you!
I appreciate your exploration of a very complex topic.
You are so correct: “our kids know us best, they also often know how to hurt us.” And, they are inclined to use “unhealthy retribution tactics to be enacted” during the holidays.