This article speaks plainly about the reality of estrangement as a move in which power is shifted and reclaimed by the initiator. There is nothing the receiver can do. If no contact is the boundary, then attempts at contact will be construed as trying to force through that boundary, aka disrespecting the initiator’s autonomy. Many articles about estrangement try to frame the recipient’s response as being an opportunity to step into their own power, by focusing on growth, finding value and meaning in other relationships, etc. This advice, which is both well meaning and necessary, falls flat for me every time. When the initiator is your own child, there is, as Josh Coleman has stated repeatedly and truthfully, no upside. The only thing in the parent’s “power” is to find a way to keep living in the face of unmitigated grief. I applaud those parents who are able to come to a place where they can rationally decide to live their best life in the face of being rejected by their child. At the end of the day, it is the only way forward. Regardless, surviving estrangement initiated by your child is anything but an exercise of power. It is strength. I don’t think it is the same as power. The initiator has forcibly claimed all the power, and the recipient has none. The recipient has choices about how to live with the pain, but those choices involve zero power. Resilience - yes. Strength- yes. But no one is stepping into a new life with power. We are forced to live in a reality in which debilitating emotional collapse is the natural state, and we must overcome that natural state in increments of minutes. This is strength.
Parents can most certainly set boundaries. I have been in therapy for 2 years examining my part in the low contact situation. I have apologized, taken responsibility, given grace, and communicated with kindness when he has only unkind and hurtful words for me. During our last communication via text, I told him that I will always love him. I said that his contacts seem obligatory, and only served to hurt me. I told him that until he is willing to have a conversation about our estrangement, it is best for there to be no contact. This is on him. I am sad, but no longer wait for twice a year texts that leave me ruminating and crying for days. If you let them go, and they dont come back, you never really had them anyway. Life is short, recover and move forward to enjoy the time you have left.
I'm with you. We deserve to be treated with some level of respect. When they withhold basic kindness, the only way to move forward is to let them go. It is sad, but crying does no good.
It’s a struggle daily for me not to write our EAD who has along with her priorities for self protection, has included her daughter, our one and only granddaughter along with her on this journey.
I have been true and accountable for her estrangement boundaries.
I fell deeply lonely in our older years yet finding support and occasional joy.
I will continue to type my journal… but the hurt is mortal
The parent who wrote the initial comment isn't really talking about setting a boundary. Boundaries are what "we" do (or will do). They are not about getting someone else to do something -- (ie, What can we do to get her to talk to us again?) I hope this parent will learn all she can about estrangement (especially from the adult child's perspective), that she'll do whatever inner healing work she needs to do, and that she will live well, regardless of what her daughter decides to do or not do. <3
This article speaks plainly about the reality of estrangement as a move in which power is shifted and reclaimed by the initiator. There is nothing the receiver can do. If no contact is the boundary, then attempts at contact will be construed as trying to force through that boundary, aka disrespecting the initiator’s autonomy. Many articles about estrangement try to frame the recipient’s response as being an opportunity to step into their own power, by focusing on growth, finding value and meaning in other relationships, etc. This advice, which is both well meaning and necessary, falls flat for me every time. When the initiator is your own child, there is, as Josh Coleman has stated repeatedly and truthfully, no upside. The only thing in the parent’s “power” is to find a way to keep living in the face of unmitigated grief. I applaud those parents who are able to come to a place where they can rationally decide to live their best life in the face of being rejected by their child. At the end of the day, it is the only way forward. Regardless, surviving estrangement initiated by your child is anything but an exercise of power. It is strength. I don’t think it is the same as power. The initiator has forcibly claimed all the power, and the recipient has none. The recipient has choices about how to live with the pain, but those choices involve zero power. Resilience - yes. Strength- yes. But no one is stepping into a new life with power. We are forced to live in a reality in which debilitating emotional collapse is the natural state, and we must overcome that natural state in increments of minutes. This is strength.
Parents can most certainly set boundaries. I have been in therapy for 2 years examining my part in the low contact situation. I have apologized, taken responsibility, given grace, and communicated with kindness when he has only unkind and hurtful words for me. During our last communication via text, I told him that I will always love him. I said that his contacts seem obligatory, and only served to hurt me. I told him that until he is willing to have a conversation about our estrangement, it is best for there to be no contact. This is on him. I am sad, but no longer wait for twice a year texts that leave me ruminating and crying for days. If you let them go, and they dont come back, you never really had them anyway. Life is short, recover and move forward to enjoy the time you have left.
I set my own boundary as well to protect my mental health. My mental health has recovered but I still mourn the relationship.
I'm with you. We deserve to be treated with some level of respect. When they withhold basic kindness, the only way to move forward is to let them go. It is sad, but crying does no good.
I do understand what you have written.
It is clear, concise and believable.
It’s a struggle daily for me not to write our EAD who has along with her priorities for self protection, has included her daughter, our one and only granddaughter along with her on this journey.
I have been true and accountable for her estrangement boundaries.
I fell deeply lonely in our older years yet finding support and occasional joy.
I will continue to type my journal… but the hurt is mortal
💔💙
The parent who wrote the initial comment isn't really talking about setting a boundary. Boundaries are what "we" do (or will do). They are not about getting someone else to do something -- (ie, What can we do to get her to talk to us again?) I hope this parent will learn all she can about estrangement (especially from the adult child's perspective), that she'll do whatever inner healing work she needs to do, and that she will live well, regardless of what her daughter decides to do or not do. <3