This article speaks plainly about the reality of estrangement as a move in which power is shifted and reclaimed by the initiator. There is nothing the receiver can do. If no contact is the boundary, then attempts at contact will be construed as trying to force through that boundary, aka disrespecting the initiator’s autonomy. Many articles about estrangement try to frame the recipient’s response as being an opportunity to step into their own power, by focusing on growth, finding value and meaning in other relationships, etc. This advice, which is both well meaning and necessary, falls flat for me every time. When the initiator is your own child, there is, as Josh Coleman has stated repeatedly and truthfully, no upside. The only thing in the parent’s “power” is to find a way to keep living in the face of unmitigated grief. I applaud those parents who are able to come to a place where they can rationally decide to live their best life in the face of being rejected by their child. At the end of the day, it is the only way forward. Regardless, surviving estrangement initiated by your child is anything but an exercise of power. It is strength. I don’t think it is the same as power. The initiator has forcibly claimed all the power, and the recipient has none. The recipient has choices about how to live with the pain, but those choices involve zero power. Resilience - yes. Strength- yes. But no one is stepping into a new life with power. We are forced to live in a reality in which debilitating emotional collapse is the natural state, and we must overcome that natural state in increments of minutes. This is strength.
Parents can most certainly set boundaries. I have been in therapy for 2 years examining my part in the low contact situation. I have apologized, taken responsibility, given grace, and communicated with kindness when he has only unkind and hurtful words for me. During our last communication via text, I told him that I will always love him. I said that his contacts seem obligatory, and only served to hurt me. I told him that until he is willing to have a conversation about our estrangement, it is best for there to be no contact. This is on him. I am sad, but no longer wait for twice a year texts that leave me ruminating and crying for days. If you let them go, and they dont come back, you never really had them anyway. Life is short, recover and move forward to enjoy the time you have left.
I'm with you. We deserve to be treated with some level of respect. When they withhold basic kindness, the only way to move forward is to let them go. It is sad, but crying does no good.
Thank you all for your comments! This article prompted reactions I think from the pain of finding where you can and can't place effective boundaries. It is sobering to learn that your protection lies within yourself. You can make requests of others, but they are just that--requests. Your request of yourself has the greatest likelihood of bringing the stability you have been yearning for.
It’s a struggle daily for me not to write our EAD who has along with her priorities for self protection, has included her daughter, our one and only granddaughter along with her on this journey.
I have been true and accountable for her estrangement boundaries.
I fell deeply lonely in our older years yet finding support and occasional joy.
I will continue to type my journal… but the hurt is mortal
The parent who wrote the initial comment (the one that's referenced in the article) isn't really talking about setting a boundary. Boundaries are what "we" do, (or will or won't do), in response to something that someone else does or does not do. They are not about getting someone else to do something -- (ie, What can we do to get her to talk to us again?) I hope this parent will learn all she can about estrangement (especially from the adult child's perspective), that she'll do whatever inner healing work she needs to do, and that she will live well, regardless of what her daughter decides to do or not do. <3
Some years ago, my daughter and I had a conversation in a therapist’s office. Emily finally explained the reason for her distrust at the age of eight. She felt I failed her because I sent her to her father for his month with her, awarded by a judge at our divorce. I explained my powerless position, unless she gave me evidence of abuse or negligence. My daughter is a lawyer, so I thought she could correct her misunderstanding as a child. She just wanted my understanding and the therapist thought this was what she needed. The understanding never came and she’s been distant for forty years. I always wondered what her father said about me, but that didn’t come up.
I found this an odd question. It hasn't occurred to me to try to set any relationship boundaries with my child in this dynamic. It's illogical. How do you set a boundary when you've been locked out of the house, so to speak?
I did have to immediately set some boundaries within myself. My own heart. My own mind. And I had to set boundaries with other family members trying to help (or manipulate) one or both of us.
And I had to decide which of his new demands I could acquiesce to. He calls these boundaries as well, but when you're telling someone what to do or think in their own "house" it's something you're imposing on them.
And I've loosely considered what boundaries we might set together if we ever get to that point where things can be mutual. But we are far far from that point right now.
I did struggle for a while with how much to pursue him, because he was also reprimanding me for not doing so before when I was respecting his young adult privacy and not asking too many questions.
But then something shifted after he began therapy. He told me how unsafe he feels with me and that my existence is actively harmful to him. He told me I am the cause of all his torment.
I have been afraid of someone before. And I wasn't even sure at the time that I should have been (I should have been but that's a different story). But his presence was excruciating. The nice things he said or did – those things that make people who don't know the truth go, "aww, how sweet!" – were emotionally worse than the vile things he said or the outright threats. Well, right now my son is 100% convinced he should be afraid of me. He has no doubts like I did.
So, no. I longer believe I can or should actively pursue him. I will continue waiting. I will continue praying. I will continue preparing for his return. I will continue learning what I can. I will continue growing into someone he will enjoy when he escapes his torment and returns to me. I will not allow myself to give up on him. I will keep the light on and my heart warm. I will continue loving him – on this side of his boundary line.
This article speaks plainly about the reality of estrangement as a move in which power is shifted and reclaimed by the initiator. There is nothing the receiver can do. If no contact is the boundary, then attempts at contact will be construed as trying to force through that boundary, aka disrespecting the initiator’s autonomy. Many articles about estrangement try to frame the recipient’s response as being an opportunity to step into their own power, by focusing on growth, finding value and meaning in other relationships, etc. This advice, which is both well meaning and necessary, falls flat for me every time. When the initiator is your own child, there is, as Josh Coleman has stated repeatedly and truthfully, no upside. The only thing in the parent’s “power” is to find a way to keep living in the face of unmitigated grief. I applaud those parents who are able to come to a place where they can rationally decide to live their best life in the face of being rejected by their child. At the end of the day, it is the only way forward. Regardless, surviving estrangement initiated by your child is anything but an exercise of power. It is strength. I don’t think it is the same as power. The initiator has forcibly claimed all the power, and the recipient has none. The recipient has choices about how to live with the pain, but those choices involve zero power. Resilience - yes. Strength- yes. But no one is stepping into a new life with power. We are forced to live in a reality in which debilitating emotional collapse is the natural state, and we must overcome that natural state in increments of minutes. This is strength.
Parents can most certainly set boundaries. I have been in therapy for 2 years examining my part in the low contact situation. I have apologized, taken responsibility, given grace, and communicated with kindness when he has only unkind and hurtful words for me. During our last communication via text, I told him that I will always love him. I said that his contacts seem obligatory, and only served to hurt me. I told him that until he is willing to have a conversation about our estrangement, it is best for there to be no contact. This is on him. I am sad, but no longer wait for twice a year texts that leave me ruminating and crying for days. If you let them go, and they dont come back, you never really had them anyway. Life is short, recover and move forward to enjoy the time you have left.
I set my own boundary as well to protect my mental health. My mental health has recovered but I still mourn the relationship.
I'm with you. We deserve to be treated with some level of respect. When they withhold basic kindness, the only way to move forward is to let them go. It is sad, but crying does no good.
Thank you all for your comments! This article prompted reactions I think from the pain of finding where you can and can't place effective boundaries. It is sobering to learn that your protection lies within yourself. You can make requests of others, but they are just that--requests. Your request of yourself has the greatest likelihood of bringing the stability you have been yearning for.
I do understand what you have written.
It is clear, concise and believable.
It’s a struggle daily for me not to write our EAD who has along with her priorities for self protection, has included her daughter, our one and only granddaughter along with her on this journey.
I have been true and accountable for her estrangement boundaries.
I fell deeply lonely in our older years yet finding support and occasional joy.
I will continue to type my journal… but the hurt is mortal
💔💙
The parent who wrote the initial comment (the one that's referenced in the article) isn't really talking about setting a boundary. Boundaries are what "we" do, (or will or won't do), in response to something that someone else does or does not do. They are not about getting someone else to do something -- (ie, What can we do to get her to talk to us again?) I hope this parent will learn all she can about estrangement (especially from the adult child's perspective), that she'll do whatever inner healing work she needs to do, and that she will live well, regardless of what her daughter decides to do or not do. <3
Some years ago, my daughter and I had a conversation in a therapist’s office. Emily finally explained the reason for her distrust at the age of eight. She felt I failed her because I sent her to her father for his month with her, awarded by a judge at our divorce. I explained my powerless position, unless she gave me evidence of abuse or negligence. My daughter is a lawyer, so I thought she could correct her misunderstanding as a child. She just wanted my understanding and the therapist thought this was what she needed. The understanding never came and she’s been distant for forty years. I always wondered what her father said about me, but that didn’t come up.
I found this an odd question. It hasn't occurred to me to try to set any relationship boundaries with my child in this dynamic. It's illogical. How do you set a boundary when you've been locked out of the house, so to speak?
I did have to immediately set some boundaries within myself. My own heart. My own mind. And I had to set boundaries with other family members trying to help (or manipulate) one or both of us.
And I had to decide which of his new demands I could acquiesce to. He calls these boundaries as well, but when you're telling someone what to do or think in their own "house" it's something you're imposing on them.
And I've loosely considered what boundaries we might set together if we ever get to that point where things can be mutual. But we are far far from that point right now.
I did struggle for a while with how much to pursue him, because he was also reprimanding me for not doing so before when I was respecting his young adult privacy and not asking too many questions.
But then something shifted after he began therapy. He told me how unsafe he feels with me and that my existence is actively harmful to him. He told me I am the cause of all his torment.
I have been afraid of someone before. And I wasn't even sure at the time that I should have been (I should have been but that's a different story). But his presence was excruciating. The nice things he said or did – those things that make people who don't know the truth go, "aww, how sweet!" – were emotionally worse than the vile things he said or the outright threats. Well, right now my son is 100% convinced he should be afraid of me. He has no doubts like I did.
So, no. I longer believe I can or should actively pursue him. I will continue waiting. I will continue praying. I will continue preparing for his return. I will continue learning what I can. I will continue growing into someone he will enjoy when he escapes his torment and returns to me. I will not allow myself to give up on him. I will keep the light on and my heart warm. I will continue loving him – on this side of his boundary line.
Yes!
Boundaryless love is too often not love at all, but more like the desperation of the absence of self-love.