As a person who does not have children, I found this writing was incredibly eye-opening. Thank you — and thank you to all you parents who were simply doing your best with the information you were given.
This really resonated with me. I have two 80s children and a 90s child. I also felt an additional burden of responsibility for the 3rd child's safety, because of a mentally ill and physically abusive father that we had to escape. I believe that extra effort is what led to this sort of dependency you describe. I wish we could have ever talked about it, but we never talk about what's really going on.
Unfortunately, our estranged children who were advised by clinicians to cut off family and friends may one day realize that estrangement, while currently widely accepted, will turn out to have unforeseen consequences. Each modern generation follows the advice - medical, psychological, etc - of their time, only to discover (unsurprisingly) that even experts only know what they know.
Exactly. We often forget that experts only know what they know at the time. While Dr. Leach and Dr. Brazelton offered compassionate, developmentally informed advice, we are now seeing the unforeseen consequences of that model. It’s a powerful reminder that today’s 'best practices'—including the current trend toward estrangement—may be the very things the next generation has to heal from." Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I completely agree! The norms of parenting do change from one generation to the next and it has been a bit of a shocker to see this generation estrange from their parents for doing exactly as well meaning "experts" advised. And as estrangement increases among this generation, they are modeling and normalizing the devastation of 'cutting ties" to their children and so when these children grow up, and they in turn judge them, it very well might be completely "normal" to not have anything to do with the very parents who thought (like we did) that they were protecting their children. Generationally, I'm not sure I see a path back to reciprocal value and grace between adult children and their parents.
"I can see why you feel shocked as well as concerned. It is a profound irony to follow the advice of experts only to have that devotion turn into a generational backlash. Your concern for your own children—and how their children might repeat this cycle of 'cutting ties'—is a heavy weight to carry, and your lack of optimism right now is completely understandable.
My hope is that as we continue to talk through these troubles together, we can do two things: help you find more peace in the present and begin looking for new and different answers to the very important generational concerns you raise. Thank you for sharing such an honest reflection."
Thanks Kathy. I have found peace through acceptance of what is. And what is, for my family, are 15 years of post divorce smear campaign waged by the other parent. I am curious how many estrangements are actually due to the other parent undermining and seeking to erase the children’s bond with the other parent - Im willing to guess - MANY! My adult children have actually never claimed I harmed them. They simply behave in such a cruel and emotionally abusive manner that I cannot navigate a healthy relationship with them. They have picked up the same abuse dynamics I divorced when I left their father. We do not raise children in a vacuum and the danger of the 90s advice of staying in a marriage at any cost because this is what is “best for children” simply allowed my children to marinate in harmful power dynamics that they now deploy with great skill as adults. The very thing I thought I was protecting them from is the very thing they have absorbed. There are no conversations left to have. And that is okay. Because I have made the decision that the price of admission to a relationship with them (or any adult) will not be my debasement or the erasure of my own lived experience. Young adults today are given a lot of social reward for estrangement. And there are many therapists earning a lot of money encouraging it. My family history is forever marred. There will be no repair without sincere apology or accountability. And that is not coming. Adult children are told they are not responsible for how they treat their parents. My comment was simply pointing out the cruel irony of this when they have finished doing their best by their children. It will come full circle.
I am giving a presentation on Tuesday based on my upcoming book on estrangement, and I cover this exact thing, as well as how some of us were told that all we needed to do was provide food, shelter, clothing, education, and medical care when needed - that everything else was basically bonus material. Thank you for your insights - I have enjoyed your posts.
As a person who does not have children, I found this writing was incredibly eye-opening. Thank you — and thank you to all you parents who were simply doing your best with the information you were given.
This really resonated with me. I have two 80s children and a 90s child. I also felt an additional burden of responsibility for the 3rd child's safety, because of a mentally ill and physically abusive father that we had to escape. I believe that extra effort is what led to this sort of dependency you describe. I wish we could have ever talked about it, but we never talk about what's really going on.
Unfortunately, our estranged children who were advised by clinicians to cut off family and friends may one day realize that estrangement, while currently widely accepted, will turn out to have unforeseen consequences. Each modern generation follows the advice - medical, psychological, etc - of their time, only to discover (unsurprisingly) that even experts only know what they know.
Exactly. We often forget that experts only know what they know at the time. While Dr. Leach and Dr. Brazelton offered compassionate, developmentally informed advice, we are now seeing the unforeseen consequences of that model. It’s a powerful reminder that today’s 'best practices'—including the current trend toward estrangement—may be the very things the next generation has to heal from." Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I completely agree! The norms of parenting do change from one generation to the next and it has been a bit of a shocker to see this generation estrange from their parents for doing exactly as well meaning "experts" advised. And as estrangement increases among this generation, they are modeling and normalizing the devastation of 'cutting ties" to their children and so when these children grow up, and they in turn judge them, it very well might be completely "normal" to not have anything to do with the very parents who thought (like we did) that they were protecting their children. Generationally, I'm not sure I see a path back to reciprocal value and grace between adult children and their parents.
"I can see why you feel shocked as well as concerned. It is a profound irony to follow the advice of experts only to have that devotion turn into a generational backlash. Your concern for your own children—and how their children might repeat this cycle of 'cutting ties'—is a heavy weight to carry, and your lack of optimism right now is completely understandable.
My hope is that as we continue to talk through these troubles together, we can do two things: help you find more peace in the present and begin looking for new and different answers to the very important generational concerns you raise. Thank you for sharing such an honest reflection."
Thanks Kathy. I have found peace through acceptance of what is. And what is, for my family, are 15 years of post divorce smear campaign waged by the other parent. I am curious how many estrangements are actually due to the other parent undermining and seeking to erase the children’s bond with the other parent - Im willing to guess - MANY! My adult children have actually never claimed I harmed them. They simply behave in such a cruel and emotionally abusive manner that I cannot navigate a healthy relationship with them. They have picked up the same abuse dynamics I divorced when I left their father. We do not raise children in a vacuum and the danger of the 90s advice of staying in a marriage at any cost because this is what is “best for children” simply allowed my children to marinate in harmful power dynamics that they now deploy with great skill as adults. The very thing I thought I was protecting them from is the very thing they have absorbed. There are no conversations left to have. And that is okay. Because I have made the decision that the price of admission to a relationship with them (or any adult) will not be my debasement or the erasure of my own lived experience. Young adults today are given a lot of social reward for estrangement. And there are many therapists earning a lot of money encouraging it. My family history is forever marred. There will be no repair without sincere apology or accountability. And that is not coming. Adult children are told they are not responsible for how they treat their parents. My comment was simply pointing out the cruel irony of this when they have finished doing their best by their children. It will come full circle.
I am giving a presentation on Tuesday based on my upcoming book on estrangement, and I cover this exact thing, as well as how some of us were told that all we needed to do was provide food, shelter, clothing, education, and medical care when needed - that everything else was basically bonus material. Thank you for your insights - I have enjoyed your posts.
Thanks so much for your response. Best wishes for your presentation tomorrow. Keep us posted about your upcoming book.