When the Estrangement Widens

Questions from an Estranged Sibling

Dear Kathy,

First, my brother Alex went full no contact with our parents. In the beginning, I mediated, but that quickly became too much emotional labor and put me square in the middle. I needed to set a boundary: I would no longer be a bridge. There was strain and conflict with both sides when I was in the middle. It was too much.

Then, Alex went no contact with me, too. We were close, and I’m lost, hurt, and anxious. I don’t understand why he cut me off, or how to mend it. He said he didn’t feel safe maintaining contact while I remain close with our parents.

Another complication is that Alex’s narrative about our family history simply doesn’t align with my own experience, and I don’t know how to reconcile that difference. This appears to be a reason he estranged me: he needed me to agree with his memories, and I couldn’t.

One more major challenge is that my parents feel ashamed and want to keep Alex’s estrangement a secret. While that’s their coping mechanism, I need support to process my own grief, which means talking about my loss outside the family. When I do, my parents are really uncomfortable—which leaves me caught in a bind.

Please suggest ways for me to process my grief and set healthy boundaries so that I can better navigate this challenging time.

Sincerely,

Grieving and Caught in the Middle

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Dear Grieving and Caught in the Middle,

You are in a maze of difficult family and personal challenges. Unfortunately, estrangement gets complicated quickly. Here are some thoughts to help you begin to find your way:

When a Sibling Estranges

When an adult child estranges parents and then siblings, it turns the whole family on its head. Old patterns of relating, including communicating, fulfilling roles, and “being there” for each other are disrupted. Family members feel unsure of their footing—balance becomes elusive. Often, family members are left reeling as they try to understand their family member’s need to estrange himself and cope with the feelings and losses this brings up for them.

You grew up with Alex. You no doubt played and likely fought together. You saw each other mature, facing challenges and achievements. You weren’t always together, but you were there, seeing what was happening, connecting around it in the way siblings do, and growing up in each other’s presence.

Now, he feels he can’t have contact with you or the rest of the family. This clearly is a powerful need, but leaves you feeling the loss of him and coping with the confusion and re-ordering of the family that follows.

Processing Profound Loss

The loss you are facing is profound and multifaceted. Your family, as you knew it, has come apart. You are grappling with a deep sense of disorientation and disappointment. The loss you are experiencing includes losing your shared history, since you and Alex now have differing memories of what occurred when you were growing up. It is very likely that Alex is hurting too. Allow yourself to feel the loss and to understand your need to process these big changes.

Becoming Clearer about Whose Grief is Whose

It can be confusing to distinguish your own personal loss from your parents’ grief. A good place to start is by asking: What, of what I am feeling or reacting to, is mine? You are likely experiencing a mix of anger, sorrow, and confusion. You want to feel better and sometimes are able to find temporary relief, but the sorrow keeps returning. It’s hard to stop thinking about Alex cutting you off. You try to let him go, reminding yourself he has decided to pursue his own journey, but that only reinforces how much you miss him.

The ways you miss Alex, and your relationship with him differ from your parents’ loss. Keeping this sorted out can be challenging. Asking yourself what you are reacting to will help you begin to see each of your losses separately. Also, you likely see your parents hurting. This may be painful to you as well. There is a lot for you to process, but this method of sorting out what is yours should help.

Do You have a New Role, Now, in Your Family?

What is your role in the family, with this big change in configuration? This is part of what you will need to determine. What is the best way for you to take care of yourself, be the support you want to be to your parents, and find your way to new balance? These questions are ahead of you. Making your way towards answers to these questions will pave some of the path toward balancing in your newly configured family.

The Complexity of Shared Crisis

Alex’s absence feels like a hole in your family which leads to your parents wanting to connect with you more than usual. You love them and want to help, but because you are in crisis, too, their needs feel like a lot. Since you are all dealing with similar emotional reactions, sometimes you can support each other, but at others you need to separate and seek your own healing.

Setting Boundaries Around Secrecy

You are caught in a tough bind regarding secrecy. Your understandable need for support and the necessity of speaking about your loss with others is clashing directly with your parents’ need for privacy.

Being in a family where there are estrangement dynamics often feels shameful and brings up concerns about self-worth. Your parents are not alone in feeling this, but it isn’t your responsibility to protect their privacy when you, yourself, need to go to others with your pain and confusion.

You could start by letting your parents know that you are going to get outside support. You are sorry this may hurt them, but it’s something you need to do for your healing. You could suggest they reconsider their powerful need for privacy which, from your perspective, is keeping them from the potential benefit of receiving support. Tell them you think it would help them to find a therapist or join a support group for parents of estranged adult children. This would be a way they can process their grief and shame in a confidential environment.

Best wishes for finding clarity and direction in your new family reality,

Kathy

Please send me emails to ksinsheimermft@gmail.com

This is column #5