The War Over Memory:
Fighting to Control "What Happened"
Dear Kathy,
I was just in a family therapy session with my daughter. Her reality is completely different from mine. We tried to talk about a difficulty that occurred in the recent past. At the beginning of the session, we agreed the therapist could stop us to slow us down, but then we couldn’t let her. We were so heated up, shouting to be heard, and talking over the therapist, too. My child told me I was gaslighting her, and declared she can’t follow up on our plans for this coming weekend because she is so upset. Now the session is over and I feel awful. Why do I get so heated up?? And how can I slow down so I can actually have a conversation with my child?
Fighting over Reality—and Losing
Dear Fighting and Losing,
Your experience is so frustrating, bewildering, and, sadly, common. The need to fight over reality seems to overtake us because our perception of the past isn’t just memory; it’s part of our core identity. When that identity is challenged, both you and your daughter fear you are in danger of coming apart—a terrifying feeling that instantly triggers a primal defense.
In truth, no two people experience the same moment in exactly the same way. Our perception of reality differs from person to person and moment to moment. Sometimes we agree about “what happened” and sometimes we don’t. What we do about those differences is key to remaining in close relationship to loved ones.
The reason you both became so “heated up“ and talked over the therapist is this: You weren’t having a discussion; your nervous systems were engaged in a mutual war for psychological survival. For a moment you were afraid, then you got angry to override the fear.
The Mutual War: Why Both Sides Feel Compelled to Fight
In conflicts over shared history, both the parent and the adult child are fighting to maintain their psychological footing and sense of self. When memories split, the companionship and support you rely on between you feels like it’s eroding, like a crumbling foundation of a house. To “right“ yourselves, you instinctively argue for your “rightness“—that your memory is the correct one.
What You Are Defending
Parent
The Identity Under Attack: The self-narrative of being a “good mother” who tried her best.
The Defensive Response: Must deny the differing reality to avoid the psychological collapse of not being viewed as the “good enough mother” and the upsetting label of “gaslighter.”
Adult Child
The Identity Under Attack: The independent, credible self needed for individuation.
The Defensive Response: Must assert her truth to protect her mental health and prove her emotional experience was valid. Needs to be seen as mature and able to correctly process and convey her experience.
The longer this fight continued, the more “righteous“ you both became. You were distraught over the other’s rejection of your version of “what happened” and started to unravel. The session that aimed for closeness became the next battleground, leaving new barbed wire fences of resentment, disappointment, and distance.
Developmental Pressures: The Stakes for Each Side
For the Parent: You are experiencing your child’s separation and individuation into adulthood. Your role shifts from guiding to receiving and accepting your child’s adult self. When you find yourself fighting to hang onto the old parental position of knowing more or better, you are in the throes of letting go of that old role as you learn to take up the new role of parenting an adult child.
For the Adult Child: Seeing things differently from the parent is essential for your growth. When your parent doesn’t validate your experience, you, the adult child, find yourself pushing back. You feel your independence relies upon your parent recognizing the mature adult you have become.
Distance: The Appeal and the Consequence
Your daughter’s declaration that she needs to cancel plans is her attempt to use distance as what feels like a necessary defense.
The Appeal of Distance (The Reset): Distance offers both of you a vital reset. It removes you from the difficult presence of the person who is challenging your self-narrative, allowing your nervous system to calm down. It gives you space to experience your own reality without having to fight for it.
The Consequence of Finality: If distance is used as a finality—a complete emotional cutoff—it ensures the fight is over, but it brings about a profound loss. You lose the companionship, the support, and the possible experiencing of the loving connection you both want.
Strategies for Self-Regulation and Movement Toward Repair
To move toward repair, you must learn to recognize your body’s fear and fight response and find a way for the other person’s differing reality to coexist with your own.
1. Slow Down Your Nervous System (Self-Care)
The “heated up“ feeling is the physical manifestation of fear. You must de-escalate your body first.
Become Self-Aware: Develop a practice of mindfulness, breathing, or meditation to become aware of your body’s physical responses before you speak. In AA terms, this is part of what’s called taking your own inventory.
The Pause Practice: When the heat rises, train yourself to take a beat before responding. Take a moment to breathe slowly and deeply; you will experience less regret.
Find External Support: Don’t rely solely on your family member to validate your worth and experience. Seek support and conversation with others in similar positions, or through therapy/support groups. This helps you loosen your grip on the need for absolute agreement about “what happened” from your daughter.
2. Prioritize Validation Over Facts
The goal is to provide empathy and understanding without forcing surrender. This is where you must let go of the need to prove your perspective. As psychoanalyst Dr. Orna Guralnik says:
“True harmony comes from relinquishing the notion of being right and approaching difference as equals.”
Validate: Instead of refuting each other’s history, validate feeling. Practice the phrase: “I hear that my actions/words during that event caused you deep pain, and I am truly sorry.“ Focus on the impact of your actions, not making excuses for your behavior or intentions.
Develop Compassion: You are both (as we all are) imperfect, growing individuals. You will make mistakes and need to seek repair. Develop compassion for yourself and your loved one by accepting that the family you grew up in (and the one you created) was, in fact, flawed. Don’t fall for the myth of the perfect family.
So, Dear Fighting and Losing,
My wish for you both is that you find a way to develop self-compassion and compassion for each other. This could help you find your way away from fighting, toward calm, to hear the other’s version of reality, take it in, and understand one another better.
Best wishes for developing further understanding of yourselves, each other, and your shared but differing histories,
Kathy
Please send your questions to ksinsheimermft@gmail.com
I would like to hear from you!
This is column #7
Very helpful piece. Thank you!