The Upcoming Holidays Are Undoing Me
Estrangement Loss Bursts the Dam
Dear Kathy,
Our daughter has been low contact for two years. She hasn’t come home for the holidays, preferring to celebrate with her chosen family. She told us that, at home, she gets caught in family drama, including what she experiences as triangulation, gaslighting, and denigration.
After my initial shock and loss, my feelings really calmed down. My wife, who continued to be in pain, has been working on accepting our daughter’s estrangement on a daily basis, painfully but bravely tolerating the low contact. Besides this daily work, she has been trying to understand our daughter’s concerns.
I didn’t think I had work to do on my feelings; I’ve been sad, but generally OK. That is, until the holidays began to ramp up this year—they are really doing me in. It’s like the dam has burst and the pain is almost worse than the initial blow of her taking space.
Can you help me understand what is happening with my grieving, and also suggest some survival techniques for these upcoming holidays?
Heartbroken Dad, All Over Again
Dear Heartbroken Dad,
Yes, there can be a dramatic shift in our well-being as the holidays approach. We inevitably think of family and become keenly aware of our losses. “Keening” is a descriptive word for how you feel inside—it is a mournful, high-pitched wail that might capture your raw, holiday-triggered grief. Your grief has broken through and you are reeling from the strength of your feeling.
If we have been compartmentalizing our grief, it can escape the compartment and come to life full force. The psychological concept of Compartmentalization describes the mind’s way of putting painful parts of your life, thoughts, or emotions into mental “boxes,” keeping the painful feelings at bay. The holidays bring yearning for family and togetherness to the fore, breaking open the boxed-up grief.
In “Oceanic Grief” (the grief model I published in my column of 9/6/25), there is an ongoing, fluctuating continuum of pain and acceptance. I name three phases: Tidal Wave, Rough Waters, and Calmer Seas. You can see a version of that model in the illustration for this column. What it sounds like is that you have reexperienced the initial Tidal Wave, and are currently in Rough Waters. Loss in estrangement is unlike any other: the person you are grieving is alive, well, and unwilling to share time with you. This contains a component of rejection that makes the grieving work uniquely challenging.
My experience, and what my clients and friends teach me, is that rejection feels deeply personal. When an attachment is severed, it’s almost impossible not to hear the underlying message: You are not enough. This triggers confusion, hurt, and a diminished sense of self-worth, bringing to the surface the anxieties we carry about our own value.
Also, estrangement grief is different. In a typical rejection, like a breakup, the social expectation is that you will follow a trajectory of grieving and moving on (as is said about divorce: at some point, it’s final). That can’t be the goal here. This is your living flesh and blood; you can never truly be “over” them. What, then, is the goal?
An Absent Presence
For many of us, the holidays represent a tradition of being with family. Estrangement doesn’t just mean your daughter is absent; her absence, which is represented by the empty chair in my illustration for this column, is palpable, a sort of ghost in the room.
As C.S. Lewis observed,
“Absence, as much as presence, changes the thing that is.”
You are right: the “missing” is worse now. You don’t notice the empty chair every day, but at the holiday table, it takes over your view.
Why the Adult Child Chooses Distance
Your daughter’s choice not to spend the holidays with your family is, for her, an act of self-preservation. Holidays are tricky for her, too.
While this doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting, she is trying to make the best choice for herself, given that being with family elicits very uncomfortable feelings. She is trying to avoid past family dynamics, which she has experienced as triangulation, gaslighting, and denigration. Her chosen family is likely a space where she feels more accepted and safer, which is why she booked a “Friendsgiving” instead of a flight home. She is protecting herself from interactions she has experienced as the opposite of nurturing.
Survival Techniques and Long-Term Work
I raised the question earlier, “What is the Goal?” The overall goal is to develop new, more effective understanding of your child’s requests to be seen, heard, accepted and respected. The power of your grief could be turned on this project to fuel your growth as a parent and as an individual.
For these holidays, the goal is to help you look at, accept and work with your feelings, knowing that you may be hurting some at your child’s absence. For those shorter term goals, I suggest:
What to Do Now
Embrace Acceptance for a Finite Time. For now, acceptance is key. This is not the same as saying you don’t care; it is simply acknowledging reality. If you can accept that, for this holiday season, you will not see your child, you will have defined a finite period of time to bear the loss.
Start the Grieving Work that you had boxed up. It’s time to go to the “emotional gym.” Speak with your wife about what she has found helpful. Reading, listening to professionals who give talks on the topic of estrangement, joining a support group or seminar on this topic would be good ways to enter into this project. Your feelings, previously stored up, are now raw, and you need tools and understanding to handle the pain of rejection.
What to Do Later
The unique aspect of grief work in estrangement is that your growth has the possible outcome of creating a path back to contact. If you can better understand your daughter’s needs by learning to listen, accept responsibility for past parenting that was unhelpful, or learn how your actions (like disputing her reality) may feel like gaslighting to your adult child, you make it safer for her to return.
The work is about vulnerability and internal change:
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when you have no control over the outcome.” — Brené Brown.
This is the long-term goal: showing up as a parent who is able to listen, take in, and do your best to understand, not defending, but accepting while examining your own behavior. And to do this without expecting a particular outcome for your relationship with your child.
For This Holiday Season: Valuing the Family Who Choose to Gather
As you adjust your focus on your holiday, it is vital to recognize and value the family members who make the choice to gather at your holiday table. Their commitment to engage in the family connection and maintain tradition is a powerful gift to you and your wife, now more than ever.
Acknowledge Shared Loss and Support
Recognize that the estrangement is likely causing pain for others present as well. Your son, niece, or cousin are also missing their sister, aunt, or family member. This is part of the shared family story, and it takes effort for them to celebrate.
Check In: Make the time, in a quiet moment, to gently check in with other close family members. You may all be hurting in your own way, and sharing that vulnerability with each other can ease the pain a bit.
Anchor in the Present
After a period of quiet sharing or checking in, suggest a collective choice to move forward with the celebration.
Set Aside the Conversation: Once the loss is acknowledged respectfully, set aside the conversation about the missing family member. This is not about forgetting; it is about choosing to honor the family connections that are present and appreciate the efforts of those who are there.
Focus on enjoying the available togetherness: Make use of the time together to enjoy each other and celebrate the holiday. By being fully present for the people who are there, you affirm the resilience and enduring love of your current family structure. This purposeful shift will help you have a satisfying observance, in a new form, of your family tradition.
So, Dear Heartbroken Dad,
You are heartbroken for a very understandable reason. You miss your child, your holiday table has an empty chair, and you are disoriented in the spray of the Tidal Wave. It feels like the work your wife has done has helped her, and you now see you may need to take up that work as well.
You may have thought you were “getting off easier,” but this holiday season has shown you that your feelings were merely boxed up, ready to burst forth as the holiday season approaches.
Best wishes for your journey toward deeper self-understanding, learning to listen, and developing the capacity to be more open, compassionate, and available to your daughter.
Please reach out to me with further questions or concerns.
Kathy
Email me @ ksinsheimermft@gmail.com
This is column #9
