Thank you so much for letting me know that my writing has been helpful. I appreciate hearing how it has been useful to you at this really difficult time.
I want to thank you immensely for your writing. It has helped me help myself - reparent myself, self-regulate, and to see my children's points of view. I don't say or write to change things. Only to process. And while this may never bring back my children, it has made me a better me.
This article has critical insights for us estranged parents. THANK YOU.
Anaïs Nin wrote, "We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are."
All of us interpret reality through our own particular, psychological and physiological lenses, created from our unique genetics and experiences, and resulting biases. We see what happens and what others do through these lenses (and biases). And though our lenses help us make sense of the world, they also blind us to how others interpret reality.
To understanda others, I must purposefully (and admittedly with much difficulty) try to suspend my own lenses, knowing that I know little of others'. Admitting to myself (and others) the limits of what I know helps me better understand others' realities.
Thank you for this piece. It hit home for me. I am pretty sure, from all the things she has said when she was still in the venting stage, that my ED felt increasingly like a PC in our Mac family as she and her siblings became increasingly aware of their own uniqueness both within and outside of our family. Unfortunately, for her, that sense of not-quite-belonging amplified some insecurities that she, and so many/most young adults experience while moving from childhood to adulthood. Our own self esteem is so integral to how we experience hard times! What one child can weather without blinking much of an eye, another child is crushed by. And how might we have done a better job of knowing and mitigating that? While at the same time soothing ourselves by remembering that we mostly did the best we could with the tools and knowledge we had at the time.
I am working thru this time in my life by writing. To her, to her children, to my other children. Not to be shared until I die - unless I decide otherwise beforehand. But writing has helped me and at the very least, provided me the venue for sharing what I want to say to the child who currently doesn't want to hear it - or anything, including curiosity about her experiences and apologies for my missteps as her mom.
Thank you so much for letting me know that my writing has been helpful. I appreciate hearing how it has been useful to you at this really difficult time.
Best,
Kathy
I want to thank you immensely for your writing. It has helped me help myself - reparent myself, self-regulate, and to see my children's points of view. I don't say or write to change things. Only to process. And while this may never bring back my children, it has made me a better me.
This article has critical insights for us estranged parents. THANK YOU.
Anaïs Nin wrote, "We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are."
All of us interpret reality through our own particular, psychological and physiological lenses, created from our unique genetics and experiences, and resulting biases. We see what happens and what others do through these lenses (and biases). And though our lenses help us make sense of the world, they also blind us to how others interpret reality.
To understanda others, I must purposefully (and admittedly with much difficulty) try to suspend my own lenses, knowing that I know little of others'. Admitting to myself (and others) the limits of what I know helps me better understand others' realities.
Thank you for this well positioned review. I also find that
There’s a quiet recalibration happening around you at all times.
“Not being included leaves room for explanation.
Being excluded carries intention.”
And then comes something even harder to name:
The difference between not being included…
and being excluded.
And so, again—
you are given more space.
More silence.
More distance.
More absence.
This is the part of estrangement that doesn’t fit neatly into the language of grief or hope.
Ouch ouch ouch. Thank you for the guidance. I have a “no-contact” daughter. My heart is broken.
Thank you for this piece. It hit home for me. I am pretty sure, from all the things she has said when she was still in the venting stage, that my ED felt increasingly like a PC in our Mac family as she and her siblings became increasingly aware of their own uniqueness both within and outside of our family. Unfortunately, for her, that sense of not-quite-belonging amplified some insecurities that she, and so many/most young adults experience while moving from childhood to adulthood. Our own self esteem is so integral to how we experience hard times! What one child can weather without blinking much of an eye, another child is crushed by. And how might we have done a better job of knowing and mitigating that? While at the same time soothing ourselves by remembering that we mostly did the best we could with the tools and knowledge we had at the time.
I am working thru this time in my life by writing. To her, to her children, to my other children. Not to be shared until I die - unless I decide otherwise beforehand. But writing has helped me and at the very least, provided me the venue for sharing what I want to say to the child who currently doesn't want to hear it - or anything, including curiosity about her experiences and apologies for my missteps as her mom.