Money: Resource or ATM?

When financial resources and estrangement collide

Dear Kathy,

I think our category of estrangement with our daughter Sara (not her real name) is “low contact.” Sara texts us at the holidays and we see her once or twice a year. She wants us to work on ourselves before she will spend more time or have any more contact with us.

We recently learned that Sara has run into financial difficulties and is living on her savings. She is looking for work and the economy is terrible. We are afraid she will run out of money and health benefits and begin to have trouble paying her rent. We aren’t wealthy, but we have adequate resources to offer her help.

Should we do that, even though she offers us very little of herself? Is that like rewarding bad behavior?

Confused, a bit resentful, and wanting to help (all at once)

Dear Confused,

I am sorry to learn about you and your daughter’s circumstances. She is currently struggling financially and has been low contact with you. You know she has needs, but you are afraid to act. You don’t want to offend, you want to help, and you don’t want to feel exploited—even if it is by your own choice!

You are experiencing many conflicting emotions. Your protective parental instincts go out to your child, only to be met an instant later by the remembered sting of her low contact. It is painful to watch a daughter face the stress of finances, while you are juggling fear for her welfare with a simmering resentment over her boundaries.

Money is a difficult topic, period, but estrangement adds a another layer of complexity. It transforms financial support from a gesture of care into a fraught balancing act. To figure out if and how you should step in, let’s look at how money functions in family systems, and how to build a path forward.

Is Money Symbolic of Love?

In family life, money is rarely just bank accounts.

Financial Insight: As the late financial writer Jerrold Mundis observed in Earn What You Deserve, “Money is one of the premier screens onto which we project our emotional issues. We use it as a substitute for love, a weapon to punish... and a tool to control others.”

Many adult children who are financially vulnerable find themselves caught in the turbulence of what their generation calls “adulting”—the challenging process of establishing an adult identity and independence. Some step away from their families of origin because they feel unprepared for the world and feel they need separation to find themselves. They rely on peers for emotional support, but peers rarely have the capital to offer financial lifelines.

This retreat from family feels backwards to parents, who want to protect their children during life’s transitions. What makes your particular scenario so difficult is the prospect of offering material support to Sara in the absence of being able to offer comfort or advice-giving. It is chastening to feel like the only valued offer would be financial. And will Sara be able to tell that this IS an offering of love, in the form of financial support?

How Money Comes Up

In our current economy, it is difficult for younger generations to secure work that covers basic living expenses, let alone create a financial buffer. While financial struggle is an age-old human trial—and many parents survived it without family assistance—having the means to help changes the equation for you.

When resources are available, I typically see two distinct scenarios emerge in estranged families:

• Some families stretch to offer help: Parents have just enough funds to help. Even if it requires a tight squeeze, they would vastly prefer to stretch their resources than endure the worries of knowing their child is suffering.

• Some families wind up in a Tug-of-War: In these families, all members are aware that adequate resources exist, but confusion arises over control. Parents view the resources as theirs to distribute under their own terms, while adult children view it as collective “family money.” This mismatch can become an entrenched power struggle, where children sometimes estrange as a way to protest parental financial control.

How It Can Feel to Offer Money in Estrangement

Offering support during low-contact leaves a parent wondering: What does my gesture mean to my child? Am I unwittingly supporting her decision to cut me off? Parents worry that giving money validates their own exploitation, yet they simultaneously fear that withholding it will harm their child and their relationship.

Clinical Framework: As family expert Dr. Joshua Coleman warns in The Rules of Estrangement, “Using money as a tool to leverage contact, control behavior, or express resentment is rarely successful. If you decide to give, give cleanly. When gifts have strings attached, they cease to be gifts and become transactions—ones that adult children will often refuse if the emotional cost is too high.”

Sharing money under these terms is emotionally expensive. Parents frequently tell me they feel reduced to a faceless wallet or a bank.

When parents try to alleviate this agonizing “ATM feeling” by tying financial help directly to a requirement for contact, it almost always backfires. While an adult child might temporarily agree to the deal to keep a roof over their head, they are forced into a terrible dilemma: compromising their boundaries just to survive. This turns a parent-child relationship into a transaction that ultimately does not benefit your relationship.

Determining What is Best for Your Family

It is common that control over family resources lies with parents. However, when the means are there, you could think about offering structured, thought-through generosity. To ensure your offer preserves your dignity and respects Sara’s current boundaries, it’s best to lessen your emotional expectations. You may find you still have them, but you will be aware of your need for caution with your own heart.

Possible Steps for Thinking and Planning:

• Examine Your Intentions First: Have an honest conversation with your spouse. Can you afford to give this money as a gift of support? Check in with your financial and emotional baseline: are you ready to send this help without expecting an increase in contact, an apology, or a progress report?

• Propose a Structure: Do not make an open-ended offer like “let us know if you need money,” which can feel intrusive or infantilizing to an adult child fighting for independence. Instead, define a clear financial plan upfront. Offer to cover her rent for a specific period—such as six months—while she navigates her job search. Plan a check-in time, designated only for the subject of funds.

• De-Link the Money from Contact: To lower Sara’s defenses and honor her terms, clarify in writing that this gift has no hidden hooks. A simple, direct note is best: “We know the job market is incredibly tough right now and we want to make sure your housing is secure. We want to cover your rent for the next six months. We respect your need for space, so this offer comes with no expectations for increased contact.”

• Keep Your Eyes and Heart on the Long Term: Remind yourselves that stepping in during a structural crisis is not “rewarding bad behavior.” It is an honest demonstration of parental love and goodwill. You are showing her that even when your relationship is in Rough Waters, your care for her fundamental safety remains absolute.

You can’t know the outcome of your offer or support ahead of time. You are giving because you will feel better parenting in this way, and you will be relieved that your child has support in her difficult transition into adulthood.

So, Dear Confused,

Thank you for opening up this conversation on such a fraught topic. My wish is for you and your spouse to find a way to support Sara that honors your protective instincts, preserves your personal dignity, and leaves the door quietly open for future healing when the season changes.

Best,

Kathy

P.S. If you want to practice moving through these stuck places together, I’m presenting a workshop on August 1 with Ann Dyer, the founder of Mountain Yoga. We’ll gather in Oakland and on Zoom for an afternoon of gentle yoga, journaling, and talking through how estrangement lives in the body. You can find more info and reserve your spot here: https://www.m-yoga.org/living-with-estrangement.html

Please reach out to me in the Comments Section or at ksinsheimermft@gmail.com

This is column #44