Dear Kathy,
My adult child and I have tried to talk about what is wrong between us. Why the low contact? When he explains the pressures he is under from our family, I don’t recognize them. He says he is trying to remain in contact, but we keep pressuring him with our demands. This is one of those times I think he is lying—we aren’t making demands. We watch everything we say. We are “eggshell-y” if we get a chance to spend any time with him at all. What is he talking about? Is he intentionally lying? What else could be going on?
— Walking on Eggshells
____________________
Dear Walking on Eggshells,
Both could be true: You could be walking on eggshells, and your child can feel a lot of pressure to please you. Each of your internal experiences are likely very different, and these different responses to “reality” point us to the problem.
How does it happen that you think your child is lying, and your child thinks you want too much? Even though it feels like your child is lying, it’s more likely that their perception, their perspective, is really different from yours.
You Feel Careful; They Feel Generous. How Can That Be?
Families often show me that there is a communication gap between generations. My guess is that you have one. One source of these misunderstandings is your difference in need. Parents often want more contact than adult children. Adult children are very busy with their own lives. Their world is different from yours, and can take a lot of attention. This creates a “desire discrepancy” that can be tough to articulate. Your adult child starts to shape what they say to try to avoid hurting your feelings while protecting their own space. You “sense” you are not getting the whole truth, and you are right. But instead of lying and trying to hurt you, the opposite is happening. Your child is shaping what they are saying (what you perceive as lying) to protect your feelings.
Let’s break this down a little:
Most Close Relationships Have Things That Are Not Said
We have learned to be careful of what we say to each other. Experience tells us to be cautious both out of kindness and self-protection. We have set off bombs with each other, and want to avoid that. But what is left out can also be felt. You and your loved one are being cautious, so then your closeness feels restricted. Your tiptoeing has led to not being able to plant your feet solidly enough to have genuine contact.
Walking on Eggshells: Where is the Healthy Heat?
You share that you are eggshell-y. You hope your careful treading is protective of your relationship. And it may be. But it also may introduce an awkwardness between you that you can both feel. And that feeling creates emotional distance.
An environment built on eggshells is, by definition: tense and hyper-vigilant, with not-so-hidden anxiety. You wish you could be more comfortable together, but, instead, you can wind up feeling more like porcupines. That porcupine feeling comes from unexpressed frustration, even anger.
As the the Art of Fighting expert Priya Parker notes:
When we avoid tension above all else, our connections are diluted. Heat in our relationships comes from caring—and the friction of things that actually matter.
Where is the Pressure Coming From?
Notice how your son frames the problem: he tells you he feels “pressure” from you. You are both in such awkward spots. You, on eggshells, him worried about not hurting you while trying to make his own independent life—it’s a recipe for discomfort.
Your deeper thoughts and feelings get bottled up as you tread lightly, hoping not to break anything. Sometimes your frustration might leak out, causing more friction. Also, we often are not fully aware of what we are feeling and how we are projecting that into our environments. That’s true for both sides of this equation.
When we try to act like we are not having big feelings, we can appear to each other as if we are lying. And, to some extent, we are. When this isn’t acknowledged, the obfuscating or lying starts to feel like gaslighting. So, although we are trying to protect our loved one’s feelings, we wind up hurting them by avoiding more genuine communication. We are hoping our carefulness is helping preserve our relationship. Unfortunately, it is eroding trust.
How Can We Shift?
It’s rough to shift, and requires awareness that can be difficult to summon. You want to be more forthright, but you feel afraid of the impact. Here are a few ideas:
Tell your loved one that you are being really careful. And that you know that you may be perceived as “off” in some way. Ask if, in fact, they feel your unease.
Let them know you could try to be more honest, but you’re not sure how that would go. You aren’t sure you have a safe enough space with each other to do that. Tell them you would love to have that as a goal.
Don’t get stuck in fact-checking. Fighting over “what really happened” or “are you lying?” doesn’t help you get anywhere. If you can, allow for the possibility that you haven’t been able to be honest with each other, and that creates distortions of reality that can feel very off, even hurtful.
Consider taking an active listening course to help you be able to talk and listen. Let your loved one know you are going to try to learn how to communicate better.
Get support if needed. It can be agonizingly difficult to talk about these heavy things on your own. Suggest to your loved one that you may need a neutral third party to help bridge the gap—such as a family mediator, a communication coach, or a licensed therapist who understands family systems.
_____________
So, Dear Walking on Eggshells,
You are understandably uncomfortable, and your loved one is too! You are both trying not to create disruption and you are both uncomfortable from the effort.
See if you can make some space for each of you to catch your breath. Find your balance in order to proceed toward more honest, if somewhat painful, communication. Know that as you practice, you will find more ease, followed by more closeness with your loved one.
Best,
Kathy
Please reach out to me in the Chat, Comments Section or at ksinsheimermft@gmail.com
This is column #61