How Can I Make New Year’s Resolutions When I Don’t Know Where I Stand?
A father asks how to picture a new beginning when the ground seems to keep shifting beneath him.
Dear Kathy,
It’s New Year’s, and I would love to make some resolutions. But every time I think I know where I’m “at” with my children, it turns out that the ground shifts. I have three adult children (from two different mothers) and I am finding that I can’t be certain of how things stand with at least two of them at any given time. Closeness and distance, anger and warmth seem to fluctuate from storming in the Arctic to being by a Volcano, and everywhere in between. How can I make resolutions when at any moment there could be an earthquake? —Loving Dad who doesn’t know what foul weather gear to bring
(For readers: Please note this column applies to estranged relationships with adult children, siblings, and friends, as well as estranged parents.)
Dear Loving Dad,
You are perfectly reflecting the challenges of the estrangement cycle. These dynamics are rarely static; they vary in length, intensity, and temperature. Whether you are experiencing low contact, no contact, or the exhausting “yo-yo” effect of fluctuating warmth and anger, you are living on a continuum of estrangement dynamics.
I have added your images of the volcano, the arctic and the warmth/growth periods to the Oceanic Loss Model in the drawing above. I think they fit pretty well!
States of Matter Mirror Phases of Estrangement
Do you remember in Science Class when you learned the three states of matter: solid, liquid and gas? Your volcano belches the “gas”, the artic storm rains down the solid ice and the liquid ocean is the “everything in between” that you mention in your letter.
Thinking of estrangement in these three states could help you locate yourself in the “shifting ground” you describe:
The Gas Phase (The Volcano): The explosive, high-heat moments of sudden conflict or “no contact” that feel like a shock to the system.
The Solid Phase (The Arctic): The seemingly frozen silence where nothing moves and the emotional ground feels cold and unyielding.
The Liquid Phase (The Sea): Most often, estrangement is fluid. Note the ripples in the center where the heart floats.
How to Prepare for Living in a Fluid Cycle
You are right to pack “foul weather gear” for external storms (your children’s behavior) and internal ones (your own mind and body’s reactions). Your gear should include:
Self Check-in: Assessing if you are comfortable with your own actions and efforts to engage with the estrangement. Practice working through conflicts with loved ones who are engaging with you in ongoing, interactive, developing relationships.
Methods for Self Calming and Self Care: These include exercise, breathing, nourishing meals, making sure you have enjoyable activities on your own and with others.
Support from Others: Participate in support groups, with friends, reading and podcasts that remind you that you aren’t navigating this alone.
Personal Interests: Engage in hobbies and goals that remain under your control, regardless of whether your children participate.
A New Kind of Resolution: The Practice of Balance
Since we cannot control the weather, our resolutions for 2026 must focus on our own well-being.
Compassion (Self and Other) = Surer Footing
Resolutions Based on the “Gear” in your Duffel
I will practice Balance—literally. I will join a yoga, Tai Chi, or balance class. When we strengthen our physical core, we remind our nervous system how to stay upright when the ground beneath us is unsteady.
I will nourish the “I” outside the “We.” I will invest in my own community, so my fulfillment isn’t solely dependent on the status of my relationships with my children.
I will include my body in my self-care. I will acknowledge that estrangement is experienced in my bones and breath, treating my body with the compassion it deserves.
I will stay open and participate. I will remain involved in whatever healthy process is available for contact with my estranged loved ones.
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So, Loving Dad with Duffel,
You don’t need to wait for the ground beneath you to become solid in order to find your peace. I recommend you pack your foul weather gear—along with your scuba suit and sunscreen—to be prepared for whatever weather 2026 brings.
Warmly,
Kathy
Please reach out to me in the “Comments” section or email me at ksinsheimermft@gmail.com
This is column # 19