I am so sorry to hear about your deeply painful estrangement from your daughter, and your severe illness. I am glad to hear that you are currently in remission! Being collateral damage hurts not just from the devaluing but also the absence. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Thank you, for your kind reply. I posted because there were no disagreements, discord, meddling or boundary issues causing the estrangement with my daughter. Children do exist who only want relationships w/their parent/s when they are receiving from them. They are MIA & w/out conscience or obligation, if the parent ever needs help. The reality "bites". I remain shocked, trashed & broken-hearted.
Thank you for letting me know how my column strikes you. Only "sounding good" isn't enough--for sure. Just to explain, I am trying to make use of Dear Estranged, to speak to circumstances that are very difficult in families, where there is rupture and heartache. Sounds like sometimes I get too heady--I will take that as feedback!
I am glad you are learning to live with loss and grief in a way that is fitting for you. And, yes, grief over the loss of someone close never fully resolves. I am glad to hear you have found some grief work that helps you work on your grief, and that you come to understand that your grief may be something that you live with.
Your writing uses therapeutic and intellectual language that all sounds good and may help many people. I wish no disrespect and appreciate all who speak or write about the topic of estrangement. I'm wondering if you have lost a kid to estrangement though. Many talk/write around a subject and not from within it. That being said, I sense you are trying to help, and I appreciate that very much.
This line felt odd to me: Fighting Loss = Guilt + Pain
I'm not fighting and guilt isn't there. For me, I might say, that I am learning to live with the loss and accompanying grief, which may never fully abate. I learn to carry grief better or compartmentalize it to function. When an adult child cuts off their parent, there are no words or intellectualizing that really allievates that pain and grief, at least for me.
Can I come to your house.My daughter is spiteful and is pulling at my heart Thanking she texts me Just checking it to see if your ok? I'm like really white what's going on. I didn't say it but thought it . I responded I'm ok I'm happy to hear from you. How are you and the kids doing. No response for 2 days then the kids are great. That's it nothing more and haven't heard from her since this is all after her asking me to move by her from Boston to NC and then giving me crap about this and that after I move asking me for money and I mean by g money and then getting a lawyer to tell me to stop dropping gifts off for the kids don't go to church when they are there etc etc so I see her as evil and very troubled
I am sorry to hear things are so rough with your daughter. It sounds like your heart hurts, and that is understandable! I am wondering if the holidays feel very confusing under these circumstances--that would make sense.
I'm glad you wrote to tell me/us about your tough spot. As you probably can see from the comments, this is a rough time! I'm hoping you have been able to find some caring support at this holiday time. Kathy
My daughter "dumped" me when I became severely ill, 10 years ago; I am currently in remission. She did nothing to help me & I almost died. I raised her as a single parent, after leaving my husband due to DV. I was a SAHM, & returned to work after the divorce, when she was 3.
I paid for her private parochial education, took care of all her interests, needs, went to all her sports events, & academically gifted awards. I paid $100,000+ and all needs, for her Ivy education, along w/scholarships she received.
Her explanation was that my illness "interfered with her artistry"- she is a college professor. She also accused me of being addicted to pain killers & told me to go to rehab. Medical records can verify that I have never been.
The truth is she didn't want to interrupt her wonderful life (married) - & I am collateral damage. I have reached out numerous times - no response. I am amazed she has such a cold, callous & cruel heart.
Susan,
I am so sorry to hear about your deeply painful estrangement from your daughter, and your severe illness. I am glad to hear that you are currently in remission! Being collateral damage hurts not just from the devaluing but also the absence. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Thank you, for your kind reply. I posted because there were no disagreements, discord, meddling or boundary issues causing the estrangement with my daughter. Children do exist who only want relationships w/their parent/s when they are receiving from them. They are MIA & w/out conscience or obligation, if the parent ever needs help. The reality "bites". I remain shocked, trashed & broken-hearted.
Thank you for letting me know how my column strikes you. Only "sounding good" isn't enough--for sure. Just to explain, I am trying to make use of Dear Estranged, to speak to circumstances that are very difficult in families, where there is rupture and heartache. Sounds like sometimes I get too heady--I will take that as feedback!
I am glad you are learning to live with loss and grief in a way that is fitting for you. And, yes, grief over the loss of someone close never fully resolves. I am glad to hear you have found some grief work that helps you work on your grief, and that you come to understand that your grief may be something that you live with.
Best,
Kathy
Your writing uses therapeutic and intellectual language that all sounds good and may help many people. I wish no disrespect and appreciate all who speak or write about the topic of estrangement. I'm wondering if you have lost a kid to estrangement though. Many talk/write around a subject and not from within it. That being said, I sense you are trying to help, and I appreciate that very much.
This line felt odd to me: Fighting Loss = Guilt + Pain
I'm not fighting and guilt isn't there. For me, I might say, that I am learning to live with the loss and accompanying grief, which may never fully abate. I learn to carry grief better or compartmentalize it to function. When an adult child cuts off their parent, there are no words or intellectualizing that really allievates that pain and grief, at least for me.
Again, thank you for your work in this area.
Can I come to your house.My daughter is spiteful and is pulling at my heart Thanking she texts me Just checking it to see if your ok? I'm like really white what's going on. I didn't say it but thought it . I responded I'm ok I'm happy to hear from you. How are you and the kids doing. No response for 2 days then the kids are great. That's it nothing more and haven't heard from her since this is all after her asking me to move by her from Boston to NC and then giving me crap about this and that after I move asking me for money and I mean by g money and then getting a lawyer to tell me to stop dropping gifts off for the kids don't go to church when they are there etc etc so I see her as evil and very troubled
I am sorry to hear things are so rough with your daughter. It sounds like your heart hurts, and that is understandable! I am wondering if the holidays feel very confusing under these circumstances--that would make sense.
I'm glad you wrote to tell me/us about your tough spot. As you probably can see from the comments, this is a rough time! I'm hoping you have been able to find some caring support at this holiday time. Kathy
We should all meet up and have our own Holiday
Holidays are tough! This was an excellent and helpful article. Thank you!
My daughter "dumped" me when I became severely ill, 10 years ago; I am currently in remission. She did nothing to help me & I almost died. I raised her as a single parent, after leaving my husband due to DV. I was a SAHM, & returned to work after the divorce, when she was 3.
I paid for her private parochial education, took care of all her interests, needs, went to all her sports events, & academically gifted awards. I paid $100,000+ and all needs, for her Ivy education, along w/scholarships she received.
Her explanation was that my illness "interfered with her artistry"- she is a college professor. She also accused me of being addicted to pain killers & told me to go to rehab. Medical records can verify that I have never been.
The truth is she didn't want to interrupt her wonderful life (married) - & I am collateral damage. I have reached out numerous times - no response. I am amazed she has such a cold, callous & cruel heart.