This column explores how our relative positions in the family—as both children and parents—shape our lifelong dynamics. Today, I am focusing specifically on the inherent imbalance of size and power within these roles. It is important to acknowledge that when power and control are misused, they become abuse. I will address the destructive consequences of child maltreatment in a separate column. Today’s discussion, however, describes the universal challenges of size and authority that exist in every parent-child relationship.
Dear Kathy,
I’ve been reflecting deeply on your insights here on Substack. I am currently functionally estranged from my parents. Their own unfaced trauma has made them too difficult for me to be around, and after years of trying to make it work, distance became my necessary last resort.
I keep thinking about the physical and psychological “size” of it all—the way they still feel so large in my mind, making it hard for me to feel like a separate, capable adult. How do I shift this view of my parents so that I can feel like my adult self if I try being in contact again?
— Andy
Dear Andy,
You are touching on a dynamic that is as inevitable as it is difficult to navigate. From birth, our relationship with our parents is shaped by an innate imbalance of power—physical, emotional, and financial. Initially, we are utterly dependent on them for survival. As we grow, we don’t fully lose that original sense of the parent as a larger-than-life figure whose approval is affirming, but whose anger, judgment, or distance feels devastating.
The Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön has a famous observation that captures the unique pressure of family:
“If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your parents. They are the ones who know how to shrink you back to the size of a six-year-old with a single look.”
When interacting with a parent, no matter your age, you may feel an inner shift where you become smaller or younger than you want to be. Understandably, you chafe at this and push back, often bringing about the very conflict you hoped to avoid. Similarly, parents can reflexively fall into old roles of directing the dialogue and decision-making, becoming more authoritarian than suits a relationship with a grown child.
The Internalized Report Card
We all carry echoes of our early roles. I am reminded of the universal tension of bringing home a report card—hoping for approval but bracing for the opposite. Some parents are supportive; others are harsh. Some act as if those grades are theirs, their pride feeling possessive rather than encouraging. You likely no longer show your parents your grades, but you may still hear their voices, wondering if they would be pleased.
The Pull of Attachment and Differentiation
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, explains why “size” feels so high-stakes. Bowlby noted that we are biologically programmed to seek a “secure base” in those we perceive as “stronger and wiser.” This draw is essential for a child’s safety, but for an adult, that same pull can feel like a loss of autonomy, causing uneasiness or emotional vertigo.
The family therapist Murray Bowen called the effort to balance this when growing up the “Differentiation of Self.” He argued that adulthood is the ability to hold onto your own reality even when the outsized influence of your parent’s perspective threatens to overpower you. When we aren’t yet differentiated, a parent’s disapproval feels less like a difference of opinion and more like a condemnation of ourselves.
(We see this same “sizing” happen with siblings. We often stay “the baby” or “the big brother” for family members because the original power script is so difficult to rewrite.)
How to Reclaim Your Maturity
Developing psychological awareness of your own internal voice is a practice that requires time, immense patience, and a deep well of self-love. It isn’t a quick fix; it’s the work of a lifetime to untangle who you are from who you were told you were.
1. Practice the “Observer” Stance
When you feel that “tightening” Pema Chödrön describes, try to name it in the moment. You might say to yourself: “There is that old ‘Report Card’ feeling. I see it, and I feel the pull to seek approval, but I don’t have to live inside it today.”
Identify the Source: Can you tell if this is truly your own voice, or is it an echo left over from a parent who used criticism as a misguided tool?
Sort the Feedback: Is there anything actually helpful in the critique? If not, recognize it as an outdated survival script that no longer serves you.
2. The Discomfort of the Work
It is important to anticipate that actively listening to inner voices can feel worse before it feels better. When you start listening, you are also hearing the shame, self-criticism, and feelings of inadequacy the voices carry. This isn’t a sign that you are doing it wrong; it is the “heat” of the work. You are allowing yourself to face what has been operating in the shadows.
3. Begin the Internal Dialogue
Once you recognize these voices, start dialoguing with them. This is where the real work of “sizing up” happens:
Validate Your Reality: Tell those voices what you see when you look at your life today. You may find you really are capable and smart, even if the old voice makes that hard to remember.
Check for Expiration: Ask how valid these critiques are in your current life. Are they based on who you are now, or who you were at seven or seventeen?
Dialogue and Release: Journal with these parts of yourself. When they emerge, acknowledge them, thank them for trying to protect your younger self, and then firmly send them away.
Be gentle with yourself as you learn to stand at your true height.
So, Dear Andy,
I have recommended that you do compassionate work with yourself to allow for your understandable reactions to your parents. This isn’t easy, nor quick. Within this, you can see that I am hoping to inform parents of their role in changing their behavior towards you as well.
Transitioning to your new roles in the family—of adult child and parent of an adult child—is challenging, not only logistically but also internally. Patience with yourself, and, if available, for your parents, will be key.
I would be pleased to hear what you discover when you embark upon befriending and starting a dialogue with these inner voices.
— Kathy
Please contact me in the Comments section or email me at ksinsheimermft@gmail.com
This is column #22
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Thank you for sharing your experience of "going your own way." I’m sorry that staying in contact required you to become a “gray rock” to protect yourself.
While "gray rocking" is a vital survival tool, it isn’t the ultimate goal of reconnection. Most adult children seek a relationship where they are seen and valued for who they are—and who you have been all along. I’m so glad you’ve learned to trust yourself and can see your own truth, rather than the "scapegoat" script your family provided.
It is a significant loss that your parents could not change. Like you, I hold the hope that families can find a middle ground that allows everyone to be genuine with themselves and each other.
I maintained contact with my parents despite the script in which I was the scapegoat youngest child who didn’t listen (more precisely, I went my own way). I think the difficulty of re-establishing contact or keeping contact is that you have to become a “gray rock” who doesn’t react to the provocation & learn to trust yourself. It’s not easy as we tend to fall back into childhood roles. My parents could not change. My hope for others is that their parents could meet somewhere in the middle, so that both parties can compromise.
Nancy,
Thank you for sharing your experience of "going your own way." I’m sorry that staying in contact required you to become a “gray rock” to protect yourself.
While "gray rocking" is a vital survival tool, it isn’t the ultimate goal of reconnection. Most adult children seek a relationship where they are seen and valued for who they are—and who you have been all along. I’m so glad you’ve learned to trust yourself and can see your own truth, rather than the "scapegoat" script your family provided.
It is a significant loss that your parents could not change. Like you, I hold the hope that families can find a middle ground that allows everyone to be genuine with themselves and each other.
Best,
Kathy
I maintained contact with my parents despite the script in which I was the scapegoat youngest child who didn’t listen (more precisely, I went my own way). I think the difficulty of re-establishing contact or keeping contact is that you have to become a “gray rock” who doesn’t react to the provocation & learn to trust yourself. It’s not easy as we tend to fall back into childhood roles. My parents could not change. My hope for others is that their parents could meet somewhere in the middle, so that both parties can compromise.