Are We Done Yet?

Clearing out the old (2025) to make room for new growth

Dear Kathy,

The holidays have been rough. I’ve cleaned up from Christmas and my garbage can is full. One of my children came to spend time with me, but the other stayed away. She has been “low contact” for about a year, and while she kept in touch a bit, she was clearly caught up in her own life and wanting space from me.

I love having one child nearby, but the pain of the distance from the other can knock the wind out of me. I try to follow your advice to “love the one you’re with,” but my heart isn’t in it. I worry if I stop mourning her absence, I’m somehow caring for her less. I am also angry with her, and that keeps the “hot” feelings going. How do I picture a refreshed New Year while staying connected to a child who wants space?

— Confused, Longing, and Wishing to feel Optimistic

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(For readers: Please note this column applies to estranged relationships for adult children, siblings, and friends, as well as estranged parents.)

Dear Confused, You wish you didn’t hurt, but you do. You want to give space to your loved one, but still feel connected. You don’t want to be treated like garbage and you, yourself, don’t want to throw out anything you hold close. My column on November 16, “Am I Being Thrown in the Garbage,” has been “liked” more than any other; this question clearly resonates with those experiencing estrangement.

You imagine looking forward, yet your heart pulls you back in a way you can’t “think” your way out of. Research tells us why the energy to “bloom” feels so far away:

• Your Brain’s “We”: There is a tug-of-war between a mind that understands your family member needs a separate life, and a heart and body that continue to pull toward your loss. Neuroscientist Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor explains that our brains encode deep bonds as a permanent part of our identity. When a loved one is missing, there is a literal hole in our internal map of reality; we feel a hole in who we are.

• Your Architecture of Attachment: Infant researcher Beatrice Beebe tells us that your deep bonds become part of the very “architecture of the brain”. We have “expectations” of our loved ones woven into our social minds. This is why letting go feels impossible—we are trying to navigate a world where our internal map no longer matches our external reality.

• Your Physical State: Heartbreak is not just a metaphor; it is a physical state. From Florence Williams’ book Heartbreak, we know the pain of rejection activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain.

  No wonder the going is tough!!!

Each of these findings tells us that we cannot simply “let go” through logic or willpower alone. Because this loss is literally built into the architecture of our brains, we need more than just a change of mind; we need to attend to our physical and emotional selves to help us effectively grieve and find the capacity to live fulfilling lives.

In our identities, there is a permanent connection through the bond we share with our loved one. When that bond is severed, the loss of contact feels as real and as strong as physical pain. On a scale of 1 to 10, you are at a 10, and there is no standard pain medication for this type of heartache.

To begin filling that hole, assuaging the pain and finding the energy to bloom again as we move toward the New Year, I suggest these four approaches:

1. Shift Your Attention: Allow yourself to grieve, but begin to fill the “hole” with new experiences and memories. This includes intentionally leaning into the relationships that are available to you. New practices create new neural pathways.

2. Find Somatic Healing: Because this loss exists at the level of the body, address it there. Use somatic breathing techniques (look for these on YouTube) to help calm the “hot” feelings of anger and panic in addition to grief and pain.

3. Recall Examples of Resilience: Bring to mind a time when you—or someone you admire—showed resilience. What was the source of that strength? If this feels too far away, return to your grief work in order to clear the way toward stepping into your resilience.

4. Nourish Your Identity: Plan activities that help you remember who you are outside of your loss—whether artistic, physical, or service-oriented.

So, Dear Longing,

It is understandable to feel both grief and a glimmer of optimism this time of year. In my drawing, the garbage can—representing the “shoulds” and upsetting expectations—is below the porch, awaiting its removal on trash day.

Consider this:

Moving forward ≠ Caring Less

Moving forward = Possible Renewal

By choosing renewal, you aren’t leaving your daughter behind; you are simply refilling your own emotional supplies so you have greater strength to love the ones you are with (including yourself).

Best,

Kathy

This is column # 18